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Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Making Life Better - Go for what you want.

So how do we make ourselves happy? What things can we change in our lives that will help us live a better life? I often talk about changing the way we think, being able to express and control our emotions, but another key factor in being happy is doing what is best for you.

Sometimes we are stuck making a decision and decide to stay in a situation we are not happy about to please others or because we are scared to make a change. We should not do that. We have one life here on earth and if we do not do the things we want to do, then we will never get to do them.

When making a decision, yes it is important to think of other's feelings, but you must be concerned with your own feelings just as others need to be concerned with themselves.

I will give you an example. I have a friend who I talk to often, and whenever we speak she complains about her job and how unhappy she is. It is really making her life uncomfortable and she has stress because of it. While it would not be a good idea to just pick up and quit, it would be a good idea to start a plan to move on to something more satisfying.

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Why would you want to spend what time you have dreading getting up in the morning and going to work? More than likely the situation will never change and you will drag yourself day after day. There is no reason at all to do that. Take your time, look for another job. Make sure that what you are going to do is something that you are confident about. Just do not take any other job, just to get out of where you are. You might have to look for another job again if you do that. Make a plan, write out your goals.  One day you will be able to change your situation.

Another situation that I can think of is when a person is in an abuse relationship. I have no experience in this subject as far as being in this type of relationship myself, so I cannot say how hard it is to get out of, but I do know people who have been. And I know they say it is very hard to get out of. Yes it may be hard, but it is not IMPOSSIBLE.  If you are in any type of abusive relationship you are not happy, that is a given. People can hope and pray that things will change but it rarely does. You have to make a decision to get a plan in action. Call on friends, on people who can help you. There is no reason in this whole world to stay with a person who does not treat you the way you should be treated. Remember abuse is not only physically, it can be mental and emotional as well.

Make the changes you need to make. Figure out what it is that you do not like about your life and do something to make it better. Plan it out. Think about it often. Dream about it, but change it. Put your plan into action. We all get stuck in a rut. There are times when I feel like things are just not working out the way I want them to work out, but I understand that staying stuck in one place because it is easier in the the solution, it adds to the problem.

And the last point I will make is this. When you are unhappy what happens? You get moody, grumpy and are probably making the people around you unhappy causing unnecessary arguments and stress. I know that when I am in a bad mood I tend to snap at people or send out negative vibes causing others to feel the same. It is not healthy to live like that day after day and there is really no reason too!

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Tuesday, August 7, 2012

How Do I Get My Ex Back?

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If you landed here you most likely had a recent breakup or have been thinking about your ex and are trying to find ways to get them back. As you probably know, there is tons and tons of advice out there with lots of different tips and tactics on trying to win back the heart of your ex. While a lot of the time these tactics might work on getting the attention of your ex, it does not mean that you will be able to create a new long lasting relationship.

The point of having contact with your ex again is not really just for him/her to say hi, though sometimes when you have not heard from them for a while, a simple hi can be very exciting, the point is to be able to be at a point in which you two can communicate again and try to progress to a new level.

I would like to discuss some of the tricks and tactics that I have read about and why I think it might not be the best idea to try to use these tactics.

First I will start with saying that getting back your ex should not be a game. If you love your ex then what you want to do is be with them and have a relationship, what good will really come from playing games? Here is a list of reasons of why I do not believe that you should use any advice you get as a game.

1. Trying to make your ex jealous. I have read many articles telling people that they should try to make your ex jealous. Maybe if they see us with another person then they will rethink the whole situation and want you back. While it is true it may make our ex think a little when they know we are with somebody else, it is not a long term plan and can backfire. Here are some reasons why.

  • For one if you just recently broke up and you ex thinks you are already with another person, they might say wow, maybe I did not mean that much to them anyways. This might make them withdraw even more and it may be harder for them to approach you again.
  • Another thing that may happen is, if they know you really well they might know what you are up to. They may see past your little scheme and realize that you are just trying to make them jealous and they might find that immature and a turnoff.
 2. Another thing I have often read is to tell your ex that you are totally ok, that you have moved on and that you are doing all of these wonderful things without them. The goal of this trick is to make your ex think that they are not that important and that you have your own life. I will say, yes it is very important to be able to be self dependent and do things for yourself. You do want to get to a place in which you can do things on your own and for yourself, but DO NOT lie about it and make up stories so that your ex thinks that you have moved on. Here are some examples of why I think that is not a good idea.
  • First of all, if you go and make up a stories about all of the wonderful things you are now doing since you have broken up then you are starting your communication off with a lie. You are trying to rebuild a new relationship and relationships are built on trust. What is going to happen after you start talking about all these new adventures? You are going to have to continue building on the lie. Really what good will that do? You will eventually have to tell them that you were lying and start another fight, or your ex may realize you were lying and back away again.
  • If they think that you are doing all of these wonderful things now they might start to think to themselves, hmm I wonder why they did not do these things when we were together. Was I holding them back? Are they really better off without me?
3. The "NO CONTACT" rule. I have read about using the no contact rule as something that you must do in order to get back with your ex. I will strongly agree that there should be a period of no contact which I will explain in a bit, but the reasons why I think that there should be a no contact period is a little different than why some people explain. This to some is suppose to make the other person think, wow they have not contacted me, maybe I should call and see what they are up to. Yes that may work, but if they do call and see what you are up to because you have not called or contacted them in a while, and you are still an emotional mess, they are going to be able to tell that and back away again. You know exactly what I mean. I bet you have tried this. You really want your ex to contact you so every single day you fight the urge to call them. You have all these feelings built up inside and have the phone attached to your hand waiting for it to ring or for your text to go off. What do you think will happen once they do call?
  • For one you are going to explode. More than likely you will tell them all about how you are feeling and are going to be an emotional mess. I know the advice tells you that once they contact you again, be cool and act like it is no big deal that they have contacted you, but really, you know as well as I do that if you have been waiting and waiting for your ex to call, and you have not worked on any of your own emotions, being cool is not going to happen.
  • What if you use the no contact rule and you do not hear from them? You try and try not to contact them and then they do not contact you. Then what? Does that mean that they do not care? It is so hard to say. Every person is different and maybe since you have not contacted them they feel like they should not contact you because maybe you do not want to talk to them.
You see this is why I think that we cannot follow tips and tactics to get back with our ex. Games are not going to work when you are trying to build something strong and meaningful. Each person, each relationship is different so how can I or somebody else say what is going to work for you?

Here is the bottom line. Do I think that the above things have to happen in order to get back with a past love? Well yes, they may have to happen. But not as a way to trick your ex into talking to you. You have to do these things for yourself in order to grow and heal.

Should you go out and have a good time, maybe talk with other people. Yes if you are ready then you should. You should do things that you want to do, have experiences that you have not had before, but they should be real and you should be doing them because they are things you want to do, not things you are doing to try to make your ex jealous or so that you could have awesome stories to tell when they finally do contact you.

Should there be a no contact period. I think that there should be. But this time should be used for you to understand your own feelings. Learn about yourself. See what your wants and needs are. You need to allow yourself time to heal. Time to be alone. Start a journal and write out all the pro's and con's of the relationship. What good the relationship did for you, what were the bad points? What you expect if you get back together. Record things that you think you need to work on and then start working on yourself. I believe that it is so important to understand our own feelings. And before you can start a new relationship, whether it is with your ex or with someone new, you have to be emotionally strong. If not, the new relationship is not going to go very far.

Well what if my ex contacts me and I am still upset? Remember it is totally normal to be upset. It might take a really long time to heal. I do not think that it is wrong in any way to express your true feelings. Of course you should not ramble on and on about how much you want them back and how much you need them. Telling them that you can't live without them is going to put to much pressure on them right now and that is not fair to the other person. But letting a person know that they mean something to you and that you care is not a bad thing in my opinion.

If you are killing yourself by not contacting your ex, I say do it. Just get it over with. The more you hold it in, the worse you will feel. Do not contact them a million and one times. If they do not answer, do not continue to text or email. Maybe they are not ready to talk. But showing genuine concern for another and giving respect should not hurt any.

The key here is to build an honest, strong relationship. A new relationship. You both will need time. Work has to be done. No matter what, you  must completely heal before starting again. Yes even though it is the same person, it is a new relationship. Treat it as if they were a different person. Would you want to bring feelings from a past relationship into a new one?

Read my ebook - Surviving a Breakup

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